Dead at fifty-four

Lupus Anticoagulant Antiphospholipid Syndrome is what is listed on my father's autopsy report. Evidence of strokes were listed as well. He had three separate bypasses during his life. He lived a reasonably healthy life. The problem was he was not a healthy man during his life. He died in 1997 at fifty-four years of age. He was the youngest in his family. Of his two brothers and three sisters a brother and sister died at age fifty-four. The remaining brother made it to eighty. None of them are around now. I have had quite a few relatives on my father's side of the family exit at that age. I am over fifty myself. I am not too concerned, I live a relatively healthy lifestyle and the health professionals tell me I am fine. Knowing the longevity of my family I am also aware time can be short.

Some might get the impression that an underlying theme of this blog might be about finding myself. Possibly. If it is I am doing it on a subconscious level. I have never really been much of a believer in people needing to find themselves. I have a reasonable idea of who I am and what I am and what my limitations are. I see this space as something else. 

My father worked very hard and really did not do a lot for himself until his last few years. He was focused on his responsibilities. When he did have the time for himself I think he was unsure what to do with it. I did my best to work hard and get ahead. I worked full time and took university courses at the same time eventually getting a degree. There were times I would drive off after my job to to go class for three hours to come back to my car in freezing temperatures and get home very late at night. I sacrificed a lot of weekends and some holidays for assignments and studies. As an aside you find out over time that you are the only one that appreciates and understands the sacrifice.

You can work for years keeping busy, or kept busy, within the set boundaries of your existence and not being aware of much else. It may not be comfortable but it is familiar. So much so that when upheaval or change puts you on a different path it can affect you. My father wanted to go back to school after years of working and heavily thought about it. I think he lacked confidence or had some fear about attempting it. For a lot of us it is safer not to do things. He died before he could do it. When faced with something new it can be difficult to forge ahead. In the past I have been hesitant to get out and do things, even feeling that I cannot do certain things. It is interesting what can hold you back. For years I have been so comfortable living one way I was not sure if I was able to do something different. 

Doing this has kind of given me the confidence to do some things I wanted to do. Things like writing. I have wanted to write more. What always held me back was that I thought I would have nothing interesting to say. Instead of thinking about writing it is better to do some actual writing. As someone who takes photos for fun I consider myself a hack. Over time I do think I am getting better at it. Now I know it is more important to try rather than not try. It does not matter if the end result never sees the light of day. The important thing is that I do it in the first place. 

I will not be doing anything radical like jumping out of air planes anytime soon. I have not interest in it and I have a fear of heights. Getting out and exploring has made me feel better about tackling other things I have thought about. I have had trips where a number of things went wrong. A lot more things went right. You learn how to roll with situations and carry on. That is what I like to think what this is about. Experiencing a few things and gaining something from it.