Saying goodbye

I had a family matter that I attended to last Sunday.

Mom died last September and she was cremated. My sister and I finally got our schedules to match up. Various things kept us from doing this sooner. I picked her up in Airdrie and we drove down to the southeast corner of British Columbia to spread her ashes at a nice secluded spot. It was the same spot where we spread my father’s ashes in 1997. I had asked mom many times through the years after dad passed how she wanted to be treated when she died. All mom would ever say was to do the same thing that we did for dad.

I wanted to say a few words but there were no words to say. Mom was difficult for several years before she died. I did my best to visit her, usually one to two times a week. I ran her errands, did her shopping, drove her where she needed to go. I cleaned her condo many times. When she was in the retirement home several time I would surprise her with a soft ice cream sundae. Towards the end I was driving practically daily a hour there and a hour back while coping with recovering from being an accident victim. Before he died my father told me to look after my mother and I took it to heart. Mom could be so unpleasant at time that a lot of the time after visiting I would drive out of town, pull over, and take a few minutes to deal with the emotional frustration, hurt, and perceived ingratitude.

I had nothing to say. If anything I was indifferent. After she died it was kind of anticlimactic. In some ways it was a relief. She took up so much of my time and then all of a sudden she did not. It was an adjustment. Anything I could have said I already said to myself and debated in my mind. My father died many years ago and I miss him and think of him often. In time I hope I feel the same about mom. She had many faults but she was still my mother. It is, well ie do not know what it is, as I cannot find the right words to describe how someone who was once a person has been reduced to ashes in a small cardboard box.

The estate has been settled. The last act has been carried out. I am too old to be an orphan. I drove the sister back and made it home on the same day.